A faithful attempt

"Write bad", while it definitely should not be an excuse, it is one way to move the ship along. 

I haven't posted in more than 2 months, and it's mostly because of 'what's after "inner-peace"?' Everything within my facility seems so crucial yet insignificant. To do the things that I care about, I must go through the bland processes, and all I can do is to speed it along. Not to mention the things that I ponder about are beyond fiction, which is an indirect way to say incomplete... which is an indirect way to say wrong. For the past 2 months, I did write/start a couple posts, but just 30 minutes into each of them, I invalidate what I wrote/thought, thinking, "That's probably wrong, why am I stupid (lol)"

The titles to my unwritten blogs:

• The Unknown
• So much falls upon
• Excuses, excuses

1.

"The Unknown", I was trying to put a finger on what is unknown to me, what is unknown to the academics, and what is unknown to the world. What's unknown to me is stability, my past self (before 10 grade), and life after 18. What's unknown to academics would be things such as solving cancer (and I am really finding the worst example). What's unknown to the world is our existence, god, of things that cannot be proven. As I was exploring this topic, I was gradually touching on things which I do not even have the slightest of experience with. Writing about it would be like me and my friend arguing a reasonable prediction of when humans will be on Mars, which in reality, we both do not know enough to have the slightest meaningful conversion. If I wrote this with any level of confidence, I might as well shut down this blog.

2.

"So much falls upon", I was pondering about how vulnerable the human body is, how vulnerable society is, how vulnerable planet Earth is. Yet, because we have reached an equilibrium, everything is quite stable. But, behind this equilibrium lays the hierarchy of positions for conscious animals, where the lower portion blindly upholds the top in suffering or stripped of any rights. Everything we live on is so delicate. One Alexander the Great, or just the collapse of a major country, would tip this balance in a heartbeat. How are we supposed to deal with it if it ever comes?

yep, I haven't drawn anything independently for 4 months.

3.

And lastly, "Excuses, excuses" was me criticizing myself for not helping people who actively seek help from me. After inner-peace and thinking that the baseline to life is to just not die, I told myself, "I can't help everybody." Which in reality, I do have the ability, or at least to everyone who finds me. But after having this new outlook on life, I could not stretch myself to the extent that serves those people. I still help, but it is on my terms. And my "best" is often not enough.

4.

One of the blogs that I've started, titled "Deciphering my Past - The elements to " (I didn't finish the title):

I'm stagnant, and I have known it for quite a while. Time keeps ticking, but I just treasure my sane. And as for the blog, it is difficult to find a direction after "achieving" inner peace. After the season finale on the series, "Crisis on Infinite Philosophies", I have been trying to re-aim my efforts to adjust for my new attitude. As I took aim and took some shots, I have missed the target multiple times. 

    My first shot:       If the baseline is to not die, I'm going to sleep 12 hours a day.

    My second shot:  If I am going to be stoic, I'll be content with my average.

    My third shot:      "I can't help everybody (everyone who asks for help)"

But continuing the quote, "sort of seems like you can". Ignoring the egotistical side of the issue, my fight song has deteriorated. I want to say that I have been stretched thin, but that is not true. As I figured in my last post, the solution is mental energy, but I gradually gave up after 2 weeks. I have the route, but not the fuel. Although I've been trying to get out of (or wrap up) the impracticality of philosophy, I feel justified to write this one last post on it to, hopefully, re-aim my outlook one last time. 

After writing the intro, I was going to delve into how blindly hard-working I was during my 14 to 16 years old. I was going to find out what drove me, what kept me going, but I still don't have an answer. I stopped writing this because, writing about philosophy at this point really does not help. I know the answer, which as the blog post said, is mental energy. If I have continued writing I would only be getting myself more frustrated with time wasted and no progress in sight. I want to say "I can't," but yet I can't let myself say it. The middle ground I found is to just let it be, and deal with it later. And if karma is real, then good luck me :).

5.

And finally, my latest attempt, which was titled " 'You'll thank me later' ":

This post is already long enough,    Show post Hide post

I haven't posted for a while, and frankly, it's mostly because there's nothing left to say after quote-in-quote inner-peace. When things are put into the "global perspective" for a high-school student, no achievements, nor any "enlightened discoveries", are worthwhile to write about; conversely, the answer to any frustration or misstep is to just deal with it and let the lesson really sink in. These experiences of achievements and failures help one relate to the greater successes of others and understand how they did it.  It comes to a point where one realizes that he/she is a non-typical typical, but unique, character. For the last year, I have repeatedly gone through the process of "I get it now!" as to why I live and what I look forward to, only to correct it again and again. The only thing I know for certain is that I will continually correct my viewpoint as long as I keep exposing myself to new stuff. Lately, after being exposed to algorithmic and computer system concepts that I fully understand but am not familiar with, I have been doing things that I think are the "right way", instead of "my way". And to persuade myself to follow through, I have justified all of it with "You'll thank me later".

Conforming to a standard while might force one to take a detour, gives us a path set by someone who has succeeded, or at the very least, has climbed the social ladder. In modern society, there always exists an inaccurate judgment on value, or more specifically, what things can actually insight change. Don't get it confused with personal values. This value I'm referring to is "what actually counts". 

...

It had been a day, and I stopped writing because I feel like I would be the last person to talk about the value of things. I'm 12 years younger than the average age of the world, with skillsets bound to writing essays, servers, and software applications. I sometimes would argue to myself that this is all there is. What is above the college academics and research, above the inner operations of Google, Apple, Pixar, TSMC, above the governing bodies of the world. I don't feel I am inadequate to say I have already gone wide if not far. While there's no depth to any of it, I feel like I have taken a glimpse into each of them.

Looking at these failed posts, it maybe shows that: outside of the topic of what makes me, I'm naive about the world. The only fortunate part is that I'm aware of it. And for this blog, "write bad" is the only way it could continue, unless I get enlightened overnight... Even just the last sentence, "unless I get enlightened overnight", is a sentence that I would have deleted if I were to care. I have left it in because every sentence in this post had been like that on varying degrees. (smooth ending) and.. cut. (This post is the worst, and this last paragraph has made it a self-fulfilling prophecy).